“He was not bone and feather but a perfect idea of freedom and flight, limited by nothing at all.” Richard Bach, Jonathon Livingston Seagull
There, I got that out of the way. When it comes to my grandpa, I have so many thoughts and emotions and I have a hard time writing them out because it is easy for me to get overwhelmed with all of the memories and emotions. So, I am just going to wing it.
Grandpa and me on my wedding day. He was sure proud.
My grandpa has been a rather large part of my life. Growing up in Denver, CO with my family, we lived about a 4 hour drive from my grandparents. They lived in Grand Junction, CO and my grandma still does. I spent much of my childhood driving with my mom and other siblings across the Rocky Mountains to visit Junction. That was what we did. All of our family vacations were to Junction to see our other family. I remember when I was probably 7 or 8 and I got to stay at grandma and grandpa's house all by myself for a few days. As one of 6 kids, this was a huge deal and made me feel super special. My grandma, who is the literal best person I know, likes to wear robes that come just to her knee. She let me wear one of her robes and it came just down to my ankles perfectly. She is the best. I woke up early because I heard noise out in the kitchen. I went out in my robe to see my grandpa making breakfast in the kitchen. He was a butcher for City Market and he was getting ready for work. He made me eggs. I sat at one of the stools at the bar in their kitchen and he sat next to me and we ate breakfast together. I felt like such a big girl! It is one of my earliest memories in general and it is made all the more special because it was with him.
He used to tell me all the time how beautiful I was. This stands out to me because, as a kid, I don't really remember a lot of people complimenting me on being cute, or pretty. But he always did. He would call me his little Marilyn Monroe. My mom had to tell me who that was but when I found out, I loved it! Mom also told me that he probably tells me how pretty I am because I have always looked a lot like my grandma.
Grandpa always called me his little Marilyn Monroe.
Fast forward a lot of years and I ended up moving to Grand Junction when I graduated high school to go to College. It was so nice to be close to grandma and grandpa and my Uncle! I loved living in Junction. While living there, I was able to spend so much time with grandpa and grandma. We would go out to eat, have Sunday dinner together, and all of my friends in college were regulars with me at their house to make visits. When I was a Junior, I moved in with them. I lived with them for 2 years until I graduated. The best part about living with my grandparents is that I truly got to know them. As people. Not just as my grandparents.
July of 2016. The last visit we had with him before he passed in September.
Grandpa was a storyteller. He could weave a tale like the best of them. Throw in his love for profanity and my grandma telling him what was and wasn't appropriate to say from across the room and you have the perfect recipe for a great night of stories. Grandpa wasn't a musician himself but he loved music. He was a huge fan of Elvis, Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison, Gordon Lightfoot and many more amazing singers who were also storytellers. He appreciated music more than a lot of musicians that I know. He bonded over his love of music with Matt. They would talk and talk about old music. Matt is an old soul and he and grandpa sure loved to talk to each other. It made me so happy.
Grandpa taught me how to change the tire on my first truck. And he made sure I knew how to check the oil and fill the wiper fluid before I would drive anywhere by myself. He took care of me. He came to a few of my choir concerts in college and he came to my senior recital. He and grandma were so supportive of me. They became like second parents when my parents couldn't physically be there.
Grandpa was a very opinionated person and so am I. We definitely disagreed on a lot of things and we wouldn't be afraid to talk about it. But all of those things about him that were rough around the edges just made him who he was. And I love him for who he was.
Doug, Stef and Judy. Ironically, the time on the clock behind us is almost identical to the time he passed away on the 28th.
When you lose someone who is so close to you and who you know so well, something strange happens to the world. A slight alteration to the axis of your life just makes it change. It feels different. The world is different for me without him in it. I think you get used to the change but that doesn't mean you ever really like it.
Grandpa had a phrase that he would say when he was filled with love and pride: "My Heart Soars Like a Hawk." He was not a super emotional person but this is his all-inclusive way of saying, "I love you and I am proud of you." Since his passing, me and some of my family members have had some sacred experiences with Hawks. I have had many sightings that have made me wonder and smile. There was also a sweet little hummingbird who built her nest right outside my front window. I don't see hummingbirds that often here but you can see them in droves at my grandparents house.
Grandpa was an avid archer and hunter and sportsmen. He loved the outdoors and has such a respect and reverence for nature. Many many packages of meat stocked our freezer when I was a kid from the hunts that grandpa went on. It was a god-send for a large family with one income. He loved working with his hands. He worked with wood and leather and even made his own bows and arrows that he would shoot with. He was a member of the Archery club and spent every Thursday night up at the archery course on the Colorado National Monument. Grandma and I would have popcorn for dinner and watch a movie while he was gone.
I had the chance as a teenager to ride back to Junction with grandpa once. He was coming back from a trip to Michigan and stopped in Denver to see us on his way. I rode over with him and visited for a few days before the rest of my family came over for Spring Break. We talked about a lot in the car ride. He told my about an experience he had out in the woods hunting once. He looked up in the tree while he was out walking and he saw a snowy owl. It was just staring at him. He started talking to it quietly and it just sat there and listened. He told me that he believes that was a message from the Spirit world. Grandpa wasn't a religious person. He called himself agnostic. He believes in more, a higher power and spirit world but not any definitions of Christianity or other organized religions. I have thought about that story a lot this past year. As I see little signs from Hawks and hummingbirds. And right after he passed away I saw 2 little white-tail deer in my friends driveway. They never see deer in their driveway. But they were there, standing in my headlights as I pulled in a few days after grandpa passed away. They just stood there and looked at me. I knew it was him. He is still around. Checking in on us. I am so grateful.
Taken 2 days before he passed for his obituary photo.
There is a lot more I could say. More emotions and stories. But I am spent for today. Too many raw feelings. All I can say is this. I miss him. When I am crying in the shower with grief, it is usually because of the permanence. Knowing that he will be gone for the rest of my life and missing the moments we might have had still. There are times where it just still makes me so sad. I would rather be sad then glad though. The depth of my grief shows the depth of my love. And I am grateful for the love.
Matt and I recorded a song. (One of the benefits of having a husband with his own recording studio.) Grandpa asked me to sing "Grandpa, Tell me Bout the good ole days" by The Judds for his memorial. I stood under the awning at the Veterans Cemetery and sang him this "last song" as he put it. I actually made it through to the last line before I broke down. So, in tribute to him, we recorded it last night. (Link below.)
Grandpa's ashes are at the Veteran's Cemetery of Western Colorado. He served in the 101'st Airborne as a Paratrooper.
I love you Doug Gray. I miss you every day. Tonight, I will have chips and salsa and key lime pie and toast to your life.
Love, Stef
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